I hate the fact that all of my blogs are full of sad, depressing shit. Unfortunately, my blog is a small window into my mind and if you were to open my mind up and examine what it contains, that is the majority of what you would find among all the useless trivia and “humor”; sad, depressing shit.
People don’t like it when i try to break the barrier they put up to keep strangers out. They know i’m desperate to find love, friendship, and human contact. The possibility of pain, or perhaps my “overly friendly” nature is just too unsettling. I am rejected, pushed away, forgotten.
I’m once again sitting on my porch lighting up another pall mall. I’m staring down the road seeing a row of houses that keep me out of all their lives. I’m guilty of the same.
People tell me i should quit smoking. Deep down, i’m selfish just like everyone else. I won’t quit until i feel satisfied with my life, until i feel like i have reasons of my own to exist instead of just the obligations i have to my family and friends. I won’t quit until i want to live.
This is just the beginning of the journey to try and understand the person i see staring back at me in the mirror.
Well, it’s a long story. Hope had grown up in a small community that feared change. It was a tight knit religious community were if you thought outside the box, you’d be punished by the corrupt law.This community was just a small part of a larger Country. Hope had slowly realized that the society he lived in prevented him from living. You see, hope realized that money was not the answer to everything. Hope saw the people around him were completely convinced that money and power were the answer to happiness. He watched them spend their entire lives trying to gain more money, more power. These people, felt empty inside and tried to fill the emptiness with material possesssions,or religion, or fake friends, but no matter how many cars, friends, or houses these people acquired, they still felt empty. Hope realized that what everyone really needed was to connect with eachother, to love eachother as human beings. You see, Hope realized that the culure and society he lived in taught people to look out for only themselves, as if we weren’t all part of a whole.It taught you to be happy is to own more things than everyone else. He pondered this and pondered this until finally hope met people who seemed to be wiser than him. Hope told these people about what he thought only to be made fun of. These people dissected his primitive views with mathmatical precision until hope felt inferior to these people. After that, hope slowly lost his passion for pointing out these flaws that seemed so obvious to him . He would ignore them since he felt as if he could never truly grasp his own thoughts. He felt as if these things were completely beyond him and he could never even begin to scratch the surface. Hope just felt as if many more capable people had tried to change things before and failed so there was no point in trying to change anything. Hope became more and more jaded and bitter over the years until hope lived alone on the docks of some far away industrial city. The sunset was coming up. When Hope was younger, he would have admired the sun for it’s lifegiving qualities and revel in all the different functions this one thing had. He would have thought about how this iconic, fiery giant which stood before him now has had such a huge influence on culture, art, everything in his life. Unfortunately, Hope had lost hope for these things. He had come to take these amazing things for granted. Hope had just come to ignore such trivial things since they would never help him gain money or power. Hope had been thinking that way for a long time, he had become what he felt so strongly against in his younger years. He felt that way until one curious morning he woke to a sudden noise. This, my dear scruffy was the noise of an nuclear missile that had landed upon Hope’s city. You see, Hope’s corrupt government, in it’s power-hungry actions, had finally pissed upon another country equal in power who in return gave them fiery death from above. Hope raised his hand to eye level and watched as his skin melted, his underlying muscle disentegrated, and finally he could no longer see. He woke next to see his house, his city just a glowing pile of rubble. Things that were so important to him, his job, friends, car, had all been destroyed in a matter of seconds, but what shined before him still remained, the sun. Perhaps hope isn’t dead, but for now, hope isn’t here.
